I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
These tits shall not be calmed
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
