i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
