I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
