Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
