Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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