Umm I'm too high to move.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
