I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
His nipple licking is glorious
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