He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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