I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
