he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
