I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
this boner is exhausting
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
