party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
