I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
