Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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