People in love make me want to vomit
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
