You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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