i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Randomize
