also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
