I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
