I'm lost and stupid without you.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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