This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
