Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
