I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
