like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
