She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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