I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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