I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
