nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
