We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
