i need an iv and a liver transplant
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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