how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
