alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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