I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We named our party play list daddy issues
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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