I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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