Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
