I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
