the condom got lost in my hair
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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