Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
