I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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