Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
