I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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