Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
