the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
