Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just high enough for therapy.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
