it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
