It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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