i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
