Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
