I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
