Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
